


> Be the Toilet King

by cthchewy (pyrrhic_victoly), pyrrhic_victoly



Category: Homestuck, Kyou Kara Maou!
Genre: Canon Relationships, Crack Crossover, Dimension Travel, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Timey-Wimey, Video Game Mechanics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-09 00:00:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12264759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrrhic_victoly/pseuds/cthchewy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrrhic_victoly/pseuds/pyrrhic_victoly
Summary: After winning the game and arriving in the new universe, the trolls and the kids find themselves separated.  The kids return to a recreated Earth while the trolls land on a planet that they initially assume to be a new and improved Alternia.  The sun is not as scorching and there are no roving packs of the undead.  There is, however, a species of hostile aliens who call themselves Demons.On the other side of the coin is Yuuri, a self-proclaimed "normal human teenager" who happens to be the dimension-hopping king of said hostile aliens and who is, in fact, neither normal nor human.





	> Be the Toilet King

_I… remember. I remember my session. We only had two players. It was just me and Murata. I was… a Space player, the Heir of Space, and Murata was the Seer of Time._

_It wasn't the best combo, both of us being passive classes, but we did everything we were supposed to. We hit God Tier and defeated the Black King, but there was just… no prize at the end. Because I failed. I was always slated for failure since there was no one to protect the universe I would have created. That was the first and only thing Echidna ever said to me. She called me knightless, and she said I would fail._

_Murata saw it all pretty much from the beginning, too. I don't even know why we kept playing, kept struggling for no reason. Except that I was selfish, I guess. Space came so naturally to me that I didn't know I was using it half the time. It always protected me. I figured it would protect me all the way to the end, even when our timeline collapsed._

_Didn't it, though?_

_...Yeah, maybe it did._

_I'm going to forget this again when I wake up._

* * *

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering justiceDragons [JD]\--

GC: DO YOU L1K3 DR4GONS?  
JD: definitely!  
GC: 4ND D4R3 1 S4Y 1T… JUST1C3?  
JD: pretty much my 2 favorite things (^_^)b  
GC: OH Y3S  
GC: NOW W3R3 T4LK1NG  
GC: >:]

Wait. Who's this douche gettin' up in Terezi's face?

 

** > Rewind.**

Your name is SHIBUYA YUURI ~~HARAJUKU FUURI~~. You do not want to make stupid puns about your stupid name right now. Or ever, really. Puns are, however, an unfortunate reality that seem to follow you around no matter how much you voice your annoyance. In fact, you pretty much think of bad puns as the arch nemesis that you flirt with once in a while and have hateful sloppy makeouts with and then you regret your life choices in the morning. If you were a troll, that would be a dead ringer for kismesissitude, but you are not a troll. You are (mostly) HUMAN with a passion for BASEBALL and CHEESY HISTORICAL DRAMAS, knowledge of which could be gleaned from the posters hanging in your room if you were in your room. You are not. You are on an ADVENTURE. 

You were fifteen years old when your life went DOWN THE SHITTER in a very ironic yet literal way. Your head was shoved into a bodily waste removal unit / transdimensional portal that you have taken to calling the TRANSPORT-A-POTTY and you subsequently found yourself in an alien world. Through a series of mishaps that would take too long to recount, you gained a KINGDOM and some WICKED ELEMENTAL MAJYYKS. You are now approximately EIGHTEEN years old, though it is hard to keep track of Earth years when you travel back and forth between your birth planet and the world in which you rule over the alien race of DEMONS with an iron fist of JUSTICE and SOCIAL BETTERMENT PROGRAMS. 

Demons look like humans except sometimes with wacky anime hair colors and all of them are exceptionally beautiful, almost in a creepy way as if they're just trying to lure you in with their sparkles and then drink your blood. Anything with so many sparkles is guaranteed to set your teeth on edge because sparkles remind you of your mother's FANCIFUL FAIRY FIGURINES and the childhood of torment you spent at her hands being forced to play pretty pretty fairy princess dress-up. But you grit your teeth and do your best to rule over the sparkly demons. They love you and are enjoying the UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE PLAN you just put into place to help these evil soulsucking creatures.

It was in fact a Demon who sent you on your current quest. She is just a bit unhinged, being a mad scientist and all, but you tend to listen to her because otherwise Bad Things happen. When she says there are ruins to be explored, you explore the goddamn ruins. (Technically, since you're king and all that, you could get your minions to explore the goddamn ruins for you. But that'd be boring.)

You haven't even gone into the ruins yet, and already the find is enlightening. For all the time that you have known the Demons, you have assumed that the connection between your worlds was the work of magic rather than REALLY ADVANCED INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL. You are now beginning to doubt this because the ruins that stand before you look like something out of a low-budget sci-fi movie. No doubt they are also armed with killer traps.

Lasers.

There will definitely be lasers.

 

** > Skip into the ruins.**

Skipping sounds like something your mother would do, so you don't do it. There are a great many things you don't do just so you can spite her loving motherly face and the whimsical fairies and angels that are like all over the goddamned place in your Earth house. Seriously, those things creep you the fuck out.

However, you do throw caution to the wind and stride forth in a totally manly way into what could very well be your death. This is how you always do things because you are somewhat of a huge derp. 

It's a miracle how you have survived so far. 

…

…

On second thought, no, not a miracle. It's a combination of enemies being so weirded out by your derpiness (derpitude? derptitude?) that they decide not to kill you, and also (mostly) the tireless work of your half-demon friend and loyal knight, CONRART WELLER, whom you call CONRAD. Conrad busies himself with chopping the shit out of those lasers with his MAD SWORD SKILLS so that you are free to examine the ruins.

There are computer terminals set against the far wall. This is looking less and less like your existence in the Demons' world can be hand-waved with magic.

 

** > Turn on alien tech.**

Conrad: Are you sure that's a good idea?

Yuuri: yes, absolutely. it's an adventurer's duty to fiddle blindly with whatever potentially dangerous thing they find.

Conrad: Your Majesty, that sounds unwise.

Yuuri: it's okay conrad. if a countdown starts like it's a bomb or something, i promise we'll run for the hills.

Conrad: That's not reassuring at all. 

Yuuri: well, yeah, but we're here now after uncovering all that cryptic doomsday bullshit. and it turns out there's a computer in this fantasy world where pretty much nobody has ever seen one before, which means that i've become the resident computer expert. if anyone's gonna poke at this thing, it's me.

Conrad: I learned how to use computers while I was on Earth…

Yuuri: yeah, 20 years ago. look at how advanced-looking this thing is! your windows 95 skills aren't going to cut it.

Conrad: I mostly worked with the Commodore 64.

Yuuri: O_O

Conrad: Then I suppose I'll scout the perimeter to make sure we won't be receiving any surprises while you figure out the computer. Good luck.

Yuuri: thanks, man.

 

** > Fiddle blindly with potentially dangerous thing.**

This terminal came preloaded with Pesterchum, a program that you've never used, but recognize as a chat client. Your human chum MURATA KEN has been pestering you to get it, but you put it off because he's already annoying IRL and you don't want to deal with his internet trolling shenanigans. Because seriously, there is no way that bastard Muraken would not be a huge troll bluh bluh. Now you wonder if maybe this was more of his CRYPTIC DOOMSDAY BULLSHIT and he was giving you a prophecy like he sometimes does.

Even stranger than an ancient alien computer running Pesterchum is the fact that there are already contacts on your Chumroll, though most of them are inactive. It's like someone or something knew that you would discover these ruins and attempt to make contact with the names on this list. How… preordained.

You quickly make a handle and begin to pester the first active name on the list. You struggle with finding a suitable greeting before deciding to throw in a happy emoticon to show how harmless you are.

 

justiceDragons [JD] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

JD: hello! ^_^  
EB: hi! who are you? i haven't talked to you before i don't think...  
JD: no, you haven't. this is going to sound weird but  
JD: a bunch of contacts were already on this computer that i found  
JD: and i was wondering if maybe you would know something about that?  
EB: oh you mean like who the computer belongs to?  
JD: sort of. english is my second language and it's hard to explain without sounding like a total weirdo! (ºДº)  
EB: haha that's okay. does it have anything to do with ancient ruins of some kind?  
JD: whoa  
JD: whoa whoa whoa  
JD: how did you know???  
EB: errr  
EB: now it's my turn to say it's hard to explain.   
EB: but if you tell me about your situation i can try to help! first i need to ask are you human? from earth?  
JD: yes  
JD: but  
JD: i'm not there now.   
JD: please don't think i'm crazy. i found this computer in the ruins. not just that, but the ruins were in another land. i think it might be an alien planet. i know it's hard to believe.  
EB: i believe you.

 

** > Be the other guy. Believe.**

You are now John Egbert. 

Once upon a time you would have called justiceDragons a troll, but that was before you met real live alien trolls. Alien trolls are actually cool once you gain some cultural sensitivity and get to know them, but that is neither here nor there. Now you have just made a new friend. An Earth human friend, or so he says, even though Earth has been more or less destroyed on several separate occasions and you are not sure exactly which Earth he means.

Better ask a few more questions first.

EB: you said before that english wasn't your first language. where are you from?  
JD: SAITAMA!!!━━━━∩(ﾟ∀ﾟ)∩－(ﾟ∀ﾟ)－∩(ﾟ∀ﾟ)∩━━━━━━  
EB: pardon my ignorance, where is that?  
JD: heh, sorry about that, it's a meme. saitama is in japan. it's THE GREATEST CITY IN JAPAN!!!!! ...according to 2ch. i'm inclined to agree, but i'm biased since i live there.  
EB: a japanese meme?  
JD: ^_^  
EB: heheh :B

Work it, John, work it! Put that friendleaderly skill to use in recruiting your new pal to find your missing Troll pals! After chatting some more, you briefly explain your current predicament and the newfound hope/suspicion that the trolls have landed wherever justiceDragons is residing. (The next most likely scenario, and the one you've most been dreading, is that they went back to a re-created Alternia.)

You give yourself the palhoncho-est of pep talks before pestering your human friends for backup. 

 

** > Yuuri: Find meatshield.**

You have a gut feeling that you're about to be trolled hard and you make a point to always listen to your gut feelings. So that means you're about to be trolled hard. Luckily your first line of defense is always Conrad. He's a bit of a troll himself, so he might even enjoy it. (Or are your troll senses warning you about Conrad? God, he better not be planning to troll you again.)

Conrad is making the rounds outside. You head to the entrance and look around. Ah, there he is! Just in time to be your virtual meatshield. You wave him over. 

 

** > Conrad: Be waved over.**

Conrad: All clear, Your Majesty.

Yuuri: dude, stop it. you've been all "your majesty" all day and it's getting tiresome. how many times do i have to tell you to call me yuuri!!

Conrad: As many times as it takes, Yuu-ri!

You make a winky face at Yuuri and watch him start to flail around in a big flustered mess. Heheh. He's so fun to troll.

Conrad: Ahem. Was there anything you needed me for?

Yuuri: oh yeah. this terminal actually connects to earth! i think i made contact with someone who can help us figure this out. he and his friends need help finding some other friends who disappeared after, uh, weird space-time things, you know? he didn't really get into the details.

Conrad: We are no strangers to weird space-time things. Details are understandably difficult in these situations.

Yuuri: exactly. and he thinks that maybe his friends landed here instead of earth. i think you should talk to them a bit and then we can all help each other.

Conrad: I'm still not sure this is a good idea. You trust too easily, Yuuri. I know I've said this before, and it's one of your charms, but it might be best if we leave well enough alone.

Yuuri: refusing your king's request? that's damn near unknightly, conrad.

Of course you could never refuse his requests. You smile to yourself as you settle into the next terminal to set up a Pesterchum account, and it's a smile that Yuuri doesn't like because he knows that this usually precedes a pun so cold he'll feel burned.

\-- punKnightly [PK] began pestering justiceDragons [JD] \--

PK: How's this, Your Majesty?  
JD: …  
PK: Yuuri? Are you all right?  
JD: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo   
JD: TT^TT

**Author's Note:**

> Anything can be crossed over with Homestuck. Because paradox space.  
> Also, even though KKM fandom is dead, I can't help senselessly beating its corpse semi-regularly just to see it flop around like a dead thing that is being senselessly beaten. (Basically, this is my sorry-ass attempt to reconcile my previous main fandom with my current main fandom.)
> 
> Yuuri's pesterlog color is #102960, the blue of the Saitama Seibu Lions, or so Wikipedia tells me. Because it's his favorite color and he's a dork. (I'm a dork.) It turned out a lot darker than I expected, but meh. Conrad would have been blue as well, but there's like way too many blue people it's a travesty. He gets to be sorta ugly colored. Shit's hilarious. (Okay, it's not shit - it's "army green".)


End file.
